The Simple Man’s Guide to Hair Care

Something which causes no end of confusion to simple men like me is shampoo. I know how to use it. I know what it does. But then I go to the store and am confronted with an entire shelf of things that look like this:

Always Smooth (but not rich?)

Recently I discovered something even more distressing: hair care products whose names are written entirely in Chinese. Things like (and I’m only making up the spelling), “Nourishing Xian Shui Lotion.” I’m not even entirely sure you are supposed to put it in your hair. Folks, this is baffling.

Luckily, help is on the horizon. I have begun design work for a new line of hair care products called Simple Man’s Hair. It’s designed for guys like me. The bottle labels will be simple, effective, and informative. They will contain exactly the amount of information necessary to guarantee a sale to a man. If I saw any of these products, I would buy them and be thankful somebody had finally bothered to explain all this stuff in terms I could understand. For example:

Simple Man's Shampoo. Retail price: a small number ending in zeros


Simple Man's Conditioner. Retail price: slightly more so a guy who just wants shampoo doesn't buy it by mistake

And the luxury end of the Simple Man’s product line:

Simple Man's Xian Shui. Retail price: something high because it's imported from Micronesian eucalyptus groves

I would like to apologize for the blatant sexism in this post. But, believe it or not, labels like this actually would help me. At least toothpaste still says “tooth” on it. Why don’t hair care products even reassure you that they indeed are for your hair? Gosh. Life is rough for an uncultured bumpkin like me.



Filed under Reality

4 responses to “The Simple Man’s Guide to Hair Care

  1. Sorin

    Today’s show is brought to you by Simple Man’s Hair (SMH), maker of hair care products, exquisite pesticide and beautiful gray auto paint. The SMH line of products is now lead free (or your money back, guaranteed!!!).

    Brian, I’ve been using the same shampoo for years because I have no criteria for picking something else. I understand where SMH is coming from. If the new shampoo and conditioner lines do not pan out, I suggest writing the Simple Man’s Guide to Shampoo and Other Hair Care Products.

  2. Caitlin

    I second Sorin’s suggestion, and also offer an addendum to your instructions. You might want to include the presence of water in the application-to-hair process.

  3. Bill Vaughn

    I’ll not remind you again that you are unlawfully using my trademark, “Simple Man’s Guide”. Cease and desist or I will be forced to take legal action.

  4. Comrade Chaos

    Trolling from Paradox

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